Alive?!

I wrote this about a year ago.  I'm choosing to share it now.  I still feel this

but now, I can be honest.   I can tell you.  This is more a spoken work than

a poem, but I need to share here and now. 

      Alive?!

My heart hurts.

It bangs so hard in my chest –

Every day –

 just about all day, the only time I don’t notice is when I’m doing something very physical,  
  like…moving rocks.

I can’t believe I’m not in the hospital.

My heart hurts and bangs so hard it’s as if the whole world can hear and see it pounding there. 

I look sometimes –

but I can’t see it with my seeing eyes. 

But sometimes I can see –

 with those other eyes –

my mind’s eyes –

 pushing my skin, my breasts, my ribs up just a bit –

 I can see it –

 I can hear it –

 beating –

 so loud.

Sometimes I’m surprised I’m heard when I speak.

Sometimes I’m surprised to hear words at all for my heart and my stomach seem to migrate to my throat –

often –

making breathing and speaking a rather labored affair. 

All that banging and constricting takes up so much room.

Will it ever stop? 

Will it lessen?

Or will I just become accustomed to this unusual bodily arrangement of parts?

An alien to my body. 

This body of heartache and grief –

 I am forced to dwell in –

part of,  yet separate.

A loved one said “Perhaps the pain is keeping you here.  Without it you would just float away.”

Perhaps that is right.

Perhaps pain is a friend, waking me up –

 to life. 

For surely, alive is what I feel –

or present at the least –

here and now –

 the colors so loud –

 the scent of everything sweet and foul upon the air –

 and the pain so always present,  keeping me

tethered to now.