I love to write

I have recently remembered I love writing. The process of stringing words together, in a precise pattern to convey images or feelings is a great deal of fun. Time seems to slip away, as does the world around me. Including all my responsibilities. All that remains is my pen and paper, or screen and keyboard for a more accurate representation, and my thoughts. I feel so at peace. I become the epitome of focus. Nothing can interrupt me. It’s odd, as I have lots of people and animals around me, yet they become two dimensional, as if I had just birthed them into the scene on the screen. Interaction feels scripted and only half (or less) of my attention is there. I’m not sure if this is healthy or not.

For me this is that “thing” that makes time disappear, we each have one. For some it might be painting and to others it's running. For now, this is mine. Yet I'm feeling like this may not be a good thing. The word I am looking for more accurately would be guilt. I feel guilt. Guilt for writing. Guilt for doing something creative. Guilt for not doing something useful. Guilt. It feels so unfair. I rarely do anything just for me, especially if it is something I really enjoy. I’m supposed to be attentive to my family and their needs. Guilt. I’m supposed to be teaching my children. Guilt. I'm supposed to be present. 100% in the moment present. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I should just let it go, right? You’re thinking, “you’re a mother, of course you need some time just for you”. Well let me tell you, so am I.

I have a good excuse for keeping the guilt. I find writing late at night too tedious. After a full day of using my brain, I don’t want to use it anymore. First thing in the morning won’t do, my brain needs a good 2 hour jump start or at least 2 cups of coffee. No, the perfect time for me to be writing, is when I’m supposed to be making dinner. When my family most needs me, I want to check out. That sucks. Like my language? See what guilt does to a person? It reduces people, or at least me, to use crass, base language. I know I need to get over it, but I only just discovered it. Well, I hope it’s the guilt I soon get over and not the writing. I guess only time will tell which will win out.

Maybe I could make this magical time of day, “writing time”, for the whole family and we could all write. Then, as each of us finishes we could join the others in the kitchen and we could all make dinner together. Wow, I may just have figured out how to let the guilt go and keep writing. Did you see the breath of relief I just released? Did you breathe it with me? Yahoo!!!! I love it when stories have a creative, happy ending. Don’t you?

You know they only happen in fairy tales, right?